Harriet
by Rumour of an Alchemist
Summary: Luna Lovegood tries to convince a sceptical Ron and Hermione that the world could be in danger from a dark-haired girl with green eyes... Alternate Universe. Very minor revisions, 18th October, 2013.
1. Chapter 1

(minor revisions, 18th October, 2013)

Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter. I am not Roger Donaldson, Dennis Feldman, or anyone else to do with the 'Species' films, and I don't own them (or any associated novels) either.

Note: The following is set in an alternate universe where the world of 'Species' collides with that of 'Harry Potter'. For the sake of the story I've assumed that the species escape mentioned here occurs in the summer of 1996. I'm aware that this is probably earlier than the project would be up and running by the canon of the species films, but this story is a parody. Assume Luna's called a meeting somewhere with Ron and Hermione in August 1996, whilst Harry's supposed to be in lockdown under Dumbledore's orders.

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><p>"This," Luna Lovegood tapped the board with her wand, "is our prey."<p>

"What? A king-size tomato and pilchards pizza with extra oregano?" Ron Weasley was practically drooling.

"What? No? It's these glasses. I put them on because people who give these lectures always wear glasses, so you can tell they're scholarly and serious types. Wait a moment whilst I recalibrate the lenses." Luna tapped her wand to the spectacles perched on the end of her nose, and muttered something. Then she peered at the board, and tapped the pizza. "_That_, is a leaflet from the place with which I placed our lunch-order, because I gather that pizza is important to such meetings. _This_ is our prey." She tapped a slightly blurry photo of a seemingly cute looking little girl with curly dark hair and green eyes.

"She looks a bit like Harry." Hermione observed, peering at the image carefully.

"That's because she's related to Harry." Luna said.

"I thought he was the last of his family." Ron objected.

"He was." Luna concurred.

"Then how can she be related to Harry?" Ron concluded triumphantly. He looked around. "Where _is_ Harry anyway? Threats to the school are his business, although I think she looks too cute to be a threat."

"Ron. Harry is not here, because we – 'we' being my father, on whose behalf I am reporting to you today, and I – suspect that he is dead. We think that this," Luna tapped a photo of a beautiful young blonde woman with curly hair in some sort of muggle science lab, "_person_ is part of an experimental muggle secret weapons program from the United States. We think she escaped the laboratory the muggles were keeping her in at the end of July, fled the States, and ended up jumping out of a muggle flying machine over Surrey, and landed in Harry's back garden in Privet Drive. Or rather his aunt's back garden. Well the place he lives over the summer, anyway. We think she mated with Harry and then killed him, and that this girl," she tapped the photo of the slightly blurry cute girl, "is the result. The girl is Harry's daughter. We're still waiting on the results of DNA tests from a muggle supermarket she raided for food supplies, but we're fairly sure what the result will be. The woman who escaped from the American secret weapons program has an ability to reproduce at an astonishing speed, and we think she's probably passed that onto her daughter with Harry. We don't actually know the girl's name, but for now we're going to refer to her as 'Harriet'. The point is, if she's inherited magic from Harry and is a witch too, she's a threat to the world too big for the muggles to handle."

"Luna." Hermione said. "It sounds to me as if you've been watching one too many muggle science-fiction programs over the summer, and have fallen for some sort of prank Harry's set up with Fred and George. I'm sure he'll turn up in a day or two, delighted that you were taken in by it. You say the woman who escaped did so at the start of August, and the blurry green eyed girl in that photo looks seven or eight, at least. Unless muggles have discovered time-turners, there's no _way_ the person who escaped could have a daughter by Harry who looks that old. The blurriness of the image says it's probably been faked with a computer."

"The blurriness is because she's moving exceptionally fast." Luna protested.

"Come on Ron. I'll help you with that homework you've still got to do." Hermione said. She gave Luna a pitying look. "I'm sorry you've been taken in by a practical joke like this."

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><p>"They didn't believe me, daddy." Luna returned home to her father. "Despite the fact that I wore glasses and had a board with leaflets and photos fixed on and everything. They effectively said that I'd been taken in by a practical joke, and that muggle cameras lie."<p>

"The vast majority of the wizarding public are too narrow-minded to appreciate the things which muggle science can achieve. Never mind, Luna dear. If she wipes out the wizarding world, we can always leave for elfland." Xenophilius Lovegood said, ruffling his daughter's hair.

"Maybe the Death Eaters and Lord Golgaboard would be inclined to take a threat involving Harry more seriously." Luna said thoughtfully. "I wonder how one contacts them?"

"It's Volgamortar, my dear, not Golgaboard. Or something similar, anyway. He tried to make it an anagram of 'I am one bad egg', you know, but he wasn't very good at spelling. And you can always take out a full page ad in the next issue of _The Quibbler_ to them and I'll make sure we owl Lord Volgamortar a complimentary copy. I'll give you a special staff-rate discount on the price of an ad. I _would_ let you place one for free, but that could look like nepotism, and our readers _do_ have very high moral and intellectual standards."

* * *

><p>Author Notes:<p>

Because it was something I felt _had_ to be done. Luna Lovegood trying to convince the remaining two members of the golden trio, Ron and Hermione, that the wizarding world is under threat...

(October 2012) At least that was how it started out. It looks like there might be more to it.

As a reminder, this one is identified as both humour and parody, it's in an alternate universe, and I really don't care too much about the minutia of either canon for the purposes of this piece.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter. I am not Roger Donaldson, Dennis Feldman, or anyone else to do with the 'Species' films, and I don't own them (or any associated novels) either.

Note: The following is set in an alternate universe where the world of 'Species' collides with that of 'Harry Potter'. For the sake of the story I've assumed that the species escape in it occurs in the summer of 1996. I'm aware that this is probably earlier than the project would be up and running by the canon of the species films, but this story is a parody. Luna's meeting with Lord Voldemort (who she insists on thinking of as 'Lord Volgamortar') occurs in the middle of August 1996.

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><p>The owl Luna had tried to send out with his complimentary copy of the next issue of <em>The Quibbler<em> addressed to 'Lord Volgamortar, his secret creepy dark headquarters' had just circled around looking confused, before landing again without delivering, from which Luna had deduced that Lord Volgamortar either had anti-mail-owl wards, or had _several_ secret creepy dark headquarters which the owl didn't know which to deliver the copy to. Or possibly both. At any rate, it was something Luna should have foreseen.

She took the precaution of summoning half a dozen large, hungry, radish guards, which she made invisible and intangible so they wouldn't frighten anyone, and went to see Lucius Malfoy whom Harry had named as one of Lord Volgamortar's most loyal followers. Since Mr. Malfoy was currently in prison in Azkaban, he didn't really get the chance to refuse visitors, which was just as well.

"Hello Lucius." Luna said. "I've brought you your complimentary copy of _The Quibbler_" and she passed it through the bars of his cell to him. Either he was feeling deprived of _any_ kind of news right now or he was a secret _Quibbler_ fan, as he practically snatched the copy from her. Given the secret conspiracies that Mr. Malfoy had been involved in, and the corruption at _The Daily Prophet_ which he had once been involved with, Luna was sure it was more a case that Mr. Malfoy appreciated that _The Quibbler_ was the only true organ of news-reporting in circulation in the wizarding world – even though according to _The Quibbler's_ records he had never subscribed to it. Of course, given his position in a world of secret conspiracies, Mr. Malfoy had probably used a false name and address to have his copies sent to, as he wouldn't want his fellow conspirators to know that he was reading about them…

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><p>Several days after her visit to Azkaban, Lord Volgamortar sent a messenger politely inviting Luna Lovegood to join him and some of his inner-circle at a tea-shop in Aberystwyth, mid-afternoon of the following day. His message also noted that there would be a 'mass muggle killing' if this turned out to be an auror trap of any kind.<p>

He obviously appreciated the gravity of the situation, Luna considered. The scale of the potential muggle-killing if Harriet was allowed to continue unchecked and someone did something as stupid as to tip off the aurors as to this meeting – thereby putting a stop to the one wizard that might halt her – could be cataclysmic.

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><p>"Potter is dead. He died at the hands of some debauched pleasure-demon of the hells." Lord Volgamortar said as he politely poured the tea.<p>

Lord Volgamortar might be well and truly infested with nargles and gloomwurples which had driven him completely crazy in some respects, Luna reflected, but he was still a gentleman when it came to taking an underage pure-blood witch to a respectable tea shop.

Luna had naturally arrived early for the tea-shop rendezvous, to discover that Lord Volgamortar and his retinue had apparently arrived even earlier, although they had to wait ten minutes whilst a couple of the retinue who'd gone to 'reconnoitre Constitution Hill' (Luna suspected that meant they'd gone for a ride on the funicular railway) to return from their mission. Once everyone was there, though, they had all trooped inside and placed their orders.

Lord Volgamortar and Luna were occupying one table, and several of his Death Eaters were occupying surrounding ones. The woman behind the counter was trying not to look unduly ruffled by the sudden influx of strangely dressed customers at this time of day.

"And have you identified exactly what it was which killed him?" Luna asked.

"Why should I care?" Lord Volgamortar said, putting the teapot down. The tone of his voice said that he _did_ in fact secretly care, and that it had been driving him nuts trying to work out exactly what manner of creature had killed Harry Potter? Luna supposed he had to pretend he didn't care though, in front of his followers.

"In case whatever it is which has been unleashed is dangerous to your faithful followers." Luna said. She was too polite, given that she had invited him to this tea, to imply that it might be dangerous to him.

"May I take it that you believe you have some idea that you know what finished Potter off?" Lord Volgamortar narrowed his eyes, as he poured the milk.

"As you know, _The Quibbler_ and its reporters have a long history of dealing with matters cryptozoological, necromantic, and demonic, in amongst occasional cover-stories about unimportant things necessary to mislead the general public." Luna said. "Consequently I believe that I know approximately what it is which a cabal of Americans have cooked up in one of their laboratories and which has subsequently escaped over here."

Luna heard the slight _hiss_ of frustration which Lord Volgamortar let slip when she said 'American' and knew that, so long as she framed this just right, she had him – for Lord Voldemort was apparently one of _those_ wizards who would instinctively clench their hands and mutter derogatory comments about 'uppity ex-colonials' any time they heard a whiff of a trans-Atlantic accent or detected _The Star-Bangled Spanner_ being played…

* * *

><p>The afternoon finished as a rollicking success, as far as Luna could judge, if Lord Volgamortar's mood was anything to go by. He was more than happy, <em>despite<em> Luna having been the one to be so forward as to invite him out, to cover the cost of tea. Not only that, but he even actually _paid_ the staff with real money, rather than a round of Unforgiveable Curses and leaving the tea-shop a smoking ruin. True, they were Scottish banknotes, which initially confused the woman on the till (despite having been told rather brusquely to 'keep the change') until she took one look at Lord Volgamortar's face and decided that she wouldn't quibble, but nobody had died or been even slightly hurt.

Well not in the tea-shop. It was possible that with Harriet out there, somewhere, that other people were being done so, but Aberystwyth had been safe that afternoon.

Luna wondered if Lord Volgamortar had a sneaking fondness for the place, or just thought that he might need the tea-shop again at some point in the future?

But at any rate it had been arranged for Luna to brief Lord Volgamortar's Death Eaters. Between Americans and a probable daughter of Harry Potter being involved, Lord Volgamortar seemed particularly enthusiastic to sort this out as fast as possible.

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><p>Author Notes:<p>

I'm not sure this is quite as snappy as the first chapter (which was originally intended to be just a one-shot) but (for now) the story goes on!

Updates will be infrequent and erratic, and will basically occur when inspiration (or insanity) strikes in the midst of other projects such as 'Saint Potter'.

As far as the Luna Lovegood of this crossover alternate universe is concerned, the American national anthem is called _The Star-Bangled Spanner_. (For which matter, the UK one is _Peapods so Green.._.)

As a reminder, this story is identified as both humour and parody, it's in an alternate universe, and I really don't care too much about the minutia of either canon for the purposes of this piece.


End file.
